Rainy days and daytime candles

15 July 2020

I loved the drizzly, cold weather of last Saturday. I put on a piano playlist my brother made and baked a Dutch baby pancake for breakfast. Later, when Tony left to teach a drawing workshop, I lit a daytime candle (such a simple novelty), made banana bread to take to a friend's place, and curled up on the couch to watch a documentary.

Tiny things are changing here. My baby cos lettuce plants have grown their hearts and it cheers me to catch a glimpse of their leaves from the couch.

I stayed up late on Sunday, partly because I started making sourdough late in the day but also because I expected to find out more about my job and whether I'd be keeping it on Monday. Delaying sleep was one way of staying in the in between space where it could still go either way, and when my team was together still. One of my work mates called it a reverse Christmas Eve. So we put on a funny movie from the '80s (highly recommend it) and made this easy butterscotch sauce for our ice cream.

On Monday I found out that I'll very likely keep my job and while it's a huge relief, it's been hard to stand by as good people were told otherwise. I think that's why I don't feel totally settled just yet. I've been hyper alert and distracted in the same afternoon, not too jazzed about food (so weird for me) and waking up some nights at 3am. Still I know I am lucky. I'm doing all of the things to take care of myself - yoga, lunch outside the apartment, walks wherever possible, and I feel a bit better every day. 

My friend Sophie sent me this enormous bouquet of flowers earlier in the week. At first I felt totally undeserving but it's really cheered me up.  It smells of roses and honey and is making our lounge room an even nicer place to be. I noticed this white flower right away, because it looks like it's been made of crepe paper. Sophie says it's a pincushion flower or scabiosa. 

After work today, I lit a candle, cleaned the dishes from breakfast and readied a present for the post. And did a tiny bit of my tax. It felt normal and nice and I'm hoping for more of those days ahead.


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